Abandoned (Again?)

I got some hard news recently that my mentor and the only native English-speaking Christian woman in our city was suddenly moving back to her home country. In fact, she was already in her home country. And, she left without a goodbye.

I need closure and connection even more than the average person because of my inherent sensitivity. What terrible news for me to bear!

I felt like our relationship was really starting to deepen, and that she was an answer to my prayers for a friend. We prayed together, shared family news together, drank tea together from an expensive, beautiful tea set. It was just the relationship I was longing for– We didn’t gossip or bad talk our husbands or families; we spurred each other on to love and good deeds.

The last time we met, I had just found out I was pregnant with baby #5. She was the first person besides Daniel that I told. She rejoiced with me and prayed for me. As we sipped imported tea, she encouraged me in my role of motherhood and this season of life that can be so demanding and overwhelming. She reminded me what a blessing children are and not to take to heart rude or off-hand comments about our family size and choices.

She was a deeply spiritual person, some may use the word charismatic or prophetic. She encouraged me to look for the deeper meanings and to pray against the attacks of the enemy on our family. She prayed for me to stand firm against Satan’s fiery arrows and feelings of inadequacies and discouragement.

As we prayed for each other and read scripture together, I felt the Spirit’s presence and accepted the special spiritual time as a direct gift from God in a dry, parched, weary land. I got chills on my skin and tears in my eyes, full of gratefulness that God had grown this relationship and given me someone to talk to, pray with, and connect with through such a spiritual bond.

And, then she left.

We both had planned in advance to be gone the month of April for various work responsibilities. I left her house and said I looked forward to seeing her in May when we could meet again and share the updates on our current pressing prayer requests.

May came and she was still gone. Then, June. I was hit with sickness and discouragement and no one here to call for help or prayers. Then, July came. The sickness still hadn’t left.

Then, a call from her husband telling me he is in town for just a few days packing up their house. She’s already back “home”; no, they aren’t sure if or when they will be back. Vague reasons as to the “why?”

I don’t have a spiritual connection with him and don’t feel like asking him the questions that I really want answers to.

We had already been told in April that the only other PBT family here is moving back to the US at the end of the year with no plans to return. And, even though they live really far away from us (30+ hours by bus), they have been some of the most consistent people in our lives for the last 6 years.

And now this news–another loss when I need encouragement. Another mentor/friend who I will probably never see again. A death. A mourning. Deep loss and lack of closure.

I feel anger, sadness, disappointment. I feel let down. Abandoned. Again.

A quick stop at our house to drop off a few food items. Her husband brings a plastic tub full of cherished items here: chocolate chips, imported chocolate, easy food mixes, expensive nuts. And, a reminder of my loss almost too much for me to bear— the beautiful tea set.

Where is God in loss, in my perhaps overly emotionally response to the likely situation of transition that happens so frequently in our line of work?

I know God is with me in it. But, I am still deeply sad. I know he won’t leave me or abandon me. I do. Deep down in my core, a Truth so strong that no one can ever take it from me. And, for that, I am thankful.