Being Known, Being Misunderstood, Longing for Home

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

You know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in—behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

Too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me

And the light become night around me.’

Even the darkness will not be dark to you;

The night will shine like the day,

For darkness is as light to you.

For you created me in my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

When I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book

Before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I wake, I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent;

Your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,

And abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139

I’ve wanted to be understood my whole life. To be known. To be rightly valued—in my strengths AND in my many weaknesses.

I feel often misunderstood and misjudged, on all matters of life both big and small.

Is there anyone here who knows the real me? I am misunderstood because I speak the language incorrectly and I miss the deeper meanings. I am misunderstood because of my country of origin and my religious identification. I am misunderstood because of my family size and the choices I make to raise my children. I am misunderstood because of the strange food I eat and how I arrange the furniture.

From Asians, I am odd, unique, memorable, weird— a freak show. My efforts at fitting in will never be enough. My language learning will never be completely natural. My family will always be an anomaly.

Is there anyone in America who knows the real me? I am misunderstood because I am disconnected from the culture of my childhood and my family of origin. I am misunderstood because I have lost my belief in many American ideals that I can no longer hold on to. I am misunderstood because it is easier to share our good stories about living here than the day to day struggles that tempt and test us.

From Americans, I feel either idolized on a missionary pedestal to the point of even making me feel sick, or I feel ostracized as just an out-there religious fanatic who doesn’t face the issues of “real life.”

I read a quote recently on Dan Bouchelle’s (from MRN) Facebook page: “We don’t put people on pedestals just to honor them, but to protect ourselves from being expected to be like them.” And, then the first person who commented said, “I thought it was so we could laugh at them when they fall off.”

I feel like these two statements really show the problem of either being idolized so the idolaters are not “expected to be like them” or ostracized so the scorners can “laugh at them when they fall off.” I don’t want to be idolized on a pedestal or laughed at for my many sins and shortcomings.

I just want to be known somewhere. I just want to be “home” somewhere.

So, here I am. Longing to be known just as the regular person that I am— with things to say and value to add, but with failings and failures too that, rather than hide, I’d just like to share with you and still be…understood.

My heart aches to make myself clear. A result of my own dysfunction. A result of the life I live in another culture. A result of what? I’m not sure.

I find comfort in local friends who make an effort to be my friend even though my customs are so strange and I am so hard to understand.

I find comfort in the handful of American friends who neither idolize me or ostracize me, even though we live so far away from each other and our friendship is often thread bare.

I find comfort in my husband, who knows my many daily faults and still takes the time to see the goodness in me.

And, I find comfort in the words of Psalm 139.

God sees my value and my dysfunction. He knows my complete history, every childhood pain, every sin, every victory. He was there for it. He planned me and formed me. I can neither hide from him or boast before him. There is only room for him on the pedestal; Yet, he graciously allows me to join in the great chorus of saints to sing His praise.

He assures me that he has good works for my hands to do, yet through his grace alone will any of it be accomplished. By grace alone, I have gifts to use for the glory of his Kingdom. By grace alone, I can reflect the image of Christ to the world. By grace alone, God has given me good works to do which he prepared in advance for me. Arrogance has no place in my heart. Neither is self-pity or self-loathing for my shortcomings. Humility is the appropriate response to the overwhelming grace of God.

When I feel alone, Cloud of Witnesses, please remind me through your love and through your prayers, that I am not. When I am feeling so misunderstood I feel like I will burst, when I am feeling completely alone, when I am feeling like a freak show… remind me that God sees and God knows. Reach out to me and encourage me. Remind me to reach out to you and encourage you. Remind me that God has put us into a community of faith to spur each other on to love and good deeds, by his grace for his glory.

God, help me to turn to you and find my value in you alone. Help me to know you more, and accept the grace you offer in knowing me completely. Help me serve using the gifts you have given me, not in arrogance, yet in confidence, attributing all good things to you and your Spirit. Give me encouragement when I feel alone and peace to know you are beside me. Heal me from my dysfunctional ways of thinking and acting. Heal me of people pleasing. Bring me into deeper relationships with true friends and companions. Help me to be a true friend and companion to others. May all that is done bring your Name alone glory. Make me thankful for your promise, “I will heal your broken heart and mend all your wounds.” Psalm 147: 3